Uno Shpeeeeetacolo. Ma davvero.

ferrari-ff-kimi-raikkonen-2014

Kimi Raikkonen torna in Ferrari. Quando l’ho saputo, il mio cuore ha usato il DRS. Ma solo per sei secondi, nell’area riservata al suo utilizzo, ovviamente.

Felipe Massa ha riportato per primo il grave danno subìto. L’ha fatto su Twitter, dove il suo dolore si è tradotto in poche parole, perché poi nessuno lo avrebbe più ascoltato. Voglio dare voce al suo tormento emoadolescenziale parafrasando quello che senz’altro avrebbe voluto dire, se solo la vita gli avesse dedicato più spazio:

“Vi vorrò bene per sempre. So che mi mandate via perché col triciclo rosso del figlio minore di Domenicali non riesco mai ad arrivare oltre il quarto posto. So che mi mandate via perché lascio sempre i riflettori a Fernando mentre io succhio distrattamente dalla cannuccia della borraccia senza sponsor, ma vi amo e vi amerò. Ora vado un po’ a piangere, scusate”

Intriso di colpa, è subentrato il commento del figliol prodigo Kimi Raikkonen. Egli è noto ai media per essere una persona estremamente emotiva, tanto da meritarsi un soprannome alla cui gloria chiunque anela dai tempi di Top Gun.

Iceman.

Le sue parole hanno riempito la scuderia di calma positività e rinnovata energia:

“Andrà tutto bene. Sono figo.”

Irritato dalla visibilità irrimediabilmente corrotta, Fernando Alonso ha ribadito la sua supremazia:

“Certo, mi hanno chiesto il permesso. Anzi, ho chiamato io Kimi al cellulare per chiedergli se gli andava di fare un salto qui per un paio d’anni, ma niente di serio. E’ mio amico dal 1765, abbiamo fatto la guerra insieme, siamo come fratelli. Ma che dico, fratelli! No, no, siamo più come un’unica entità. Sì insomma, se vince lui vinco anche io. Se vinco io, beh, vinco io. Tanto solo io aiuterò gli ingegneri a perfezionare la vettura. Vabè, quasi quasi vado in McLaren. A proposito…”

A quel punto un giornalista gli ha fatto notare che la conferenza stampa sarebbe dovuta finire due ore fa.

Ieri i genitori del povero cronista hanno chiesto a Fernando di restituire almeno in parte la salma.

Però Fernando, io ti amo. Non sai quante volte ho urlato il tuo nome fino a sgolarmi. E non in quel senso.

Comunque.

Sfruttando un anomalo momento di silenzio, gli altri piloti (anche quelli che nessuno sapeva dove fossero finiti) hanno contribuito al valzer, fortunatamente avvalendosi di grandi doti di sintesi.

Jacques Villeneuve: “Sono diventati tutti completamente pazzi?”
Lewis Hamilton: “Alonso deve ringraziare che arriva Kimi, perchè se arrivavo io spaccavo bottilia e ammazzavo familia come l’altra volta”
Jenson Button: “Finalmente vedremo un campionato divertente! Che cosa? Devo correre anch’io?”
Nico Hulkenberg: “Peccato, per andare in Ferrari avrei lasciato i One Direction”

LucaLuca Cordero di Montezemolo ha rilasciato un ermetico commento di decurtiano sapore:

“E io pago!”

Giungono infine propizie le sagge parole di Stefano Domenicali:

“Bambini, non litigate. Adesso andiamo tutti all’autoscontro e facciamo la pace, okay? Felipe, restituisci il triciclo a mio figlio, su!”

Ridatemi Alesi.
Ridatemi Schumacher, che lo sorpassa a 20 centimetri dal traguardo.
Ridatemi Hakkinen, che esce dalla macchina e scoppia a piangere.
Per favore.

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