Pannbagnati

Viviamo in una casa in cui, per recuperare il libro sul mio comodino, posso scrivere un SMS dentro lo scaldabagno, mandarne una copia al forno, che a sua volta lo gira all’hard disk in rete che manda una notifica push alla AppleTV in sala, la quale rimbalza il messaggio nel freezer, dove viene criptato (per la nostra e la vostra sicurezza) e poi spedito a uno dei portatili in camera da letto e visualizzato sullo schermo condiviso, così la mia dolce metà può leggerlo dall’altra parte dello stesso muro portante. E portarmi il libro quando si alza dal letto.

Non si può certo dire che noi (fiorentinismo in arrivo) si sia tecnologicamente riottosi.
Casa Giacarta è un esperimento ben riuscito di domotica fai-da-te.

Poi, un giorno, ti crollano tutte le certezze.
Un minaccioso monolito bianco si staglia nell’angolo del bagno.

1000031974_AQC_9_BF_5_TZ_1

E’ la fottuta asciugatrice.

“Marta? Non sei felice come una Pasqua? E’ incredibile, non stenderemo mai più! Sono troppo contento! Ecco, tieni, ti lascio il libretto di istruzioni, così lo leggi!”

Ma certo.
Fidati.

“Oh, tesoro, ti scongiuro, non lasciarmi questo compito impossibile! Sono certa che tu, come tutti i veri uomini, non leggerai le istruzioni e saprai farla funzionare perfettamente! E al primo… colpo!

In coppia è importante comunicare.
Noi donne dobbiamo imparare ad esprimerci in un linguaggio comprensibile agli uomini.
E’ sufficiente inserire un doppio senso malizioso da qualche parte, così il sangue gli scende nelle mutande, il cervello non funziona più e ci siamo tolte il problema.

Dopo un primo momento di smarrimento, tesoro mi guarda con disapprovazione e mi tende il libretto senza dire una parola. Poi si dirige verso il mostro bianco e armeggia coi pulsanti.

Eureka.
Abbiamo giustogiusto un set di lenzuola fradicie atte all’uopo.

L’infernale marchingegno comincia a rullare come un 747. Poi il cestello comincia a produrre più decibel di una marmitta forata con la punta da 14. Infine, sentendosi solo, lo scarico gorgoglia sputando acqua a fiotti, la Sirenetta, Tritone e Sebastian direttamente nella vaschetta.

“E’ tutto a posto!” strilla lui.
Vedendomi poco convinta, si aggrappa al candido ciclope. Lo abbraccia così stretto che sono tutt’uno, non capisco se ha un attacco di Parkinson o se sono tornata single.

Dopo qualche istante si calmano, l’asciugatrice sembra ancora scossa da fremiti non meglio giustificabili. Lui si accende una sigaretta.

Secondo me sono tornata single.

Dopo due ore è ancora davanti all’oblò che osserva il nulla, aprendo e chiudendo la bocca come un pesce rosso. Cerco di distoglierlo urlando nel lavandino, ma non pare sortire effetti. La satanica macchina rutta ed emette un sibilo minaccioso.

Ha finito!
Spalanchiamo, con lentezza straziante, il tabernacolo.
Un mucchio di lenzuola tronfio e pieno di sé fa capolino.
Allungo timidamente un dito.

“No! No! No! Non toccarle!”

Cos’è, dormono?

“Guarda! Osserva la meraviglia che si sta creando! Un intero set di lenzuola pronto all’uso, in sole tre ore!”
“Amore se andavamo all’IKEA a comprarle ci mettev…”
“Taci, eretica! Ammira la perfezione! Assapora la magia de…”
“E hai rotto il cazzo! Dammi qua, va’!”

Affondo le mani nel cestello e tiro fuori le lenzuola.
Sono così… così… tropicali.

“Fammi capire, tre ore per avere le lenzuola umide?!”
“Mi sa che abbiamo sbagliato programma…”
Abbiamo?! Hai passato un’era geologica a limonare con l’asciugatrice e cos’è successo, la saliva è andata tutta nel cestello?”

Eccolo.
Esce, flebile, sussurrato, quasi impercettibile, come un respiro.

Dove sono le istruzioni?

Comments

  1. Giacomo che fuma?
    (E’ l’unico commento che mi è venuto in mente, il resto è storia nota, almeno per il sottoscritto!!)

    Cris

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