Le Mie Prigioni #1

Rimpiango le ridenti domeniche in cui Giacomo decideva, di sua spontanea e irremovibile volontà, di fare la cosa che più odio al mondo dopo Paolo Liguori: lavare i pavimenti.
Rimpiango lo scintillio negli occhi con cui iniziava a sculettare in mutande, ballando un tango approssimativo e trascinando il mocio per tutta la casa, sciolto come Don Lurio ed eterosessuale come Freddie Mercury.

Rimpiango tutto ciò, perché la volpe dalle orecchie corte ha ingaggiato la donna delle pulizie, privandomi di questo esilarante e talvolta inenarrabile spettacolino privato.

“Così non devi più pensare alle faccende domestiche, tesoro!”
“E’ un’idea magnifica, tesoro! Come sei magnanimo!”

Questa tizia arriva a orari proibitivi, in cui sono ancora in stato di morte apparente con la bolla al naso. Citofona, io calcio il piumone con un gesto atletico e spalanco la porta a mo’ di principessa Disney con gli uccellini che mi cinguettano intorno alla testa trasportando stracci a caso.

Lei ficca la testa dentro e mi chiede se può entrare.
Tutte le volte.

droopy

No, in realtà pensavo di lasciarti lì sul pianerottolo.
Ho aperto la porta per dirti meglio di non entrare.

E’ in questo istante che si compie il misfatto: la mia Altra metà si strappa il cuoio capelluto in preda alla disperazione, lo appende all’attaccapanni per farmi sentire ancora più in colpa e trova patetiche scuse per dileguarsi all’istante.

Devo andare in ufficio a lavorare tantissimo
Porto fuori il tamagotchi
Devo cambiare le gomme al trattore prima che lo facciano i Maya
Vado a liberare la Corea del Sud
Qualcuno dovrà pur asciugare la rugiada sull’erba!

Quando non deve sminuzzare i semi di papavero o telefonare a Beethoven, sento direttamente la macchina nel vialetto che sgomma come un endoreattore verso il primo cartello tutte le direzioni.

Sono abbandonata al mio destino e a quello dello scricciolino coi guanti di gomma.

“Giacomo oggi non c’è?”
PORC*^£=$?=$$?£=%$?%£= E’ in ufficio. Comincia pure dalla camera da letto…”

Da quel momento passano tre ore esatte.
Tre ore in cui non posso vestirmi (a meno di non sembrare il nuovo testimonial della linea di moda di Annalisa Minetti) perchè l’armadio è inaccessibile.
Tre ore in cui cerco di capire il senso della vita guardando Party Mamas, con il dolce suono dell’aspirapolvere di sottofondo.
Tre ore in cui la tizia mi caccia dalla sala a trenta secondi dal checkpoint di Assassin’s Creed scatenando una migrazione di Santi.
Tre ore in cui cerco di combattere il senso di abbandono (ma anche quello del disordine) piegando i suoi vestiti e impilandoli a mo’ di lapide, ma molto fashion.
Tre ore in cui devo tenermi la pipì come un cammello dopo un’indigestione di rapa cinese perché in bagno c’è sempre lei.
Tre ore in cui mi chiedo se Giacomo sia riuscito a battere i Maya sul tempo (cosa che, in questo periodo, sembra piuttosto complicata).

Esattamente tre ore dopo, mi telefona da una cantina (?), tirando su col naso.

E’ andata via?

Forte è la tentazione di rispondergli di no e lasciarlo in Corea.

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