GP Cina 2015 – La Cronaca

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No, ragazzi. Non scherziamo. Prometto di non prenderlo più in giro per l’onnipresente graining, le gare intelligenti di Alonso e le gomme prestazionali, ma tirate fuori Marc Gené. Dove l’avete messo? Perché al suo posto c’è un tizio che somiglia tremendamente a Jean Alesi?

Perché Benedict Cumberbatch passeggia per la pit lane indisturbato?

Sarà una gara all’insegna delle perplessità, me lo sento.

Nel frattempo faccio il mio pronostico, che non cambia molto rispetto al solito: macello alla prima curva, Raikkonen viene doppiato da Ericsson al secondo giro e Hamilton darà la colpa a qualcun altro per il grossolano errore che senz’altro commetterà, fosse anche dimenticarsi uno dei suoi orecchini da settanta carati sul comodino dei box.

Per dovere di cronaca, vorrei esplicitare la mia maldisposizione: nonostante sia un GP molto amato dai piloti, Shanghai è un circuito che non mi piace per niente, perciò ho già le palle frantumate prima ancora di partire.

Avete notato che bel colore di capelli ha Rosberg? Non è proprio biondo, sembra più una criniera di unicorno color castagna d’autunno. Sicuramente profuma di zucchero filato e stelle filanti.

0/56: Carlo Vanzini sostiene con inesauribile ottimismo che “L’importante è cercare di non fare disastri in prima curva”. Hamilton lo prende sul serio e decide di partire perpendicolare alla pista, così, per rendere le cose più interessanti.

1/56: Signori, avevo torto! Raikkonen, non si sa come, ma da lontano pare un numero da circo, è quarto. Nessuno ha sfasciato la macchina. Ricciardo è diciassettesimo, temo che a breve inizierà il solito bullismo via radio. Comunque trai ferraristi c’è dell’entusiasmo.

2/56: Sainz si cappotta: ne beneficia il nostro showman preferito, Sergione Perez, che gli sculetta davanti come una competitiva soubrette degli anni Novanta.
3/56: Ricciardo subisce la pressione dell’ex bambino prodigio decadente. Sorpassa Alonso, che a quanto pare sta partecipando al gran premio!

5/56: Nessuno crede che quello sia davvero Alonso, così lui decide di farsi vedere sorpassando le macchine, però quelle dietro. Il che attira senz’altro l’attenzione, ma favorisce la lotta tra le due Red Bull.

3/56: Ricciardo subisce la pressione dell’essere un ex bambino prodigio ormai in decadenza. Sorpassa Alonso, che a quanto pare sta partecipando al gran premio.

5/56: Nessuno crede che quello sia davvero Alonso, così lui decide di farsi vedere sorpassando le macchine dietro di lui. Il che attira senz’altro l’attenzione per l’originalità, ma gli fa perdere posizioni e favorisce la lotta tra le due Red Bull.

7/56: Il commento di Alesi è piuttosto moscio. Il povero Vanzini cerca di coinvolgerlo nel noiosissimo duello fratricida tra Ricciardo e Kvyat, ottenendo un pallido “Eh sì” come massima espressione della sua opinione.

9/56: La noia. “Questo momento sembra darci un po’ di respiro rispetto ai duelli di poco fa”. Un modo carino per dire “che due coglioni“.

10/56: Uh! Verstappen gioca all’autoscontro e sportella deciso il povero Ericsson. Rabbrividiamo. Hulkeberg si ritira. Sul ponte sventola bandiera gialla.

11/56: Nessuno lo fa notare, probabilmente per non spompare il tifo Ferrari, ma Vettel è a quattro secondi da Rosberg. Ricciardo lamenta problemi con le gomme. “Posso rientrare ai box?”, chiede. La risposta dei box? Qualcosa di molto simile a “Suca”.

12/56: No dai, sul serio. Lo scherzo è bello quando dura poco. Dov’è Marc Gené?

13/56: Se dicono ancora una volta “giro fotocopia” lancio il televisore fuori dalla finestra. Vettel si ferma ai box, proprio mentre aveva portato la sua distanza da Rosberg a poco più di due secondi. Rientra quinto.

14/56: A proposito di “Nessuno lo fa notare”, questa gara è una rottura di palle. E nessuno lo fa notare, ma dal box cercano di essere carini con Hamilton chiedendogli se va tutto bene con le gomme. Lui risponde con una specie di rutto anglosassone. Sempre molto gentile, as usual.

16/56: Nonostante il pit stop di Rosberg e quello di Vettel, siamo di nuovo alla situazione di prima. Hamilton, Rosberg, Vettel. Kvyat brucia il motore e si ritira, neanche la monoposto che va a fuoco riesce a interrompere la mia insistente, prepotente e devastante rottura di maroni.

18/56: Che poi, non voglio insistere, ma il commento di Alesi è veramente insopportabile. Jean, mi dispiace, io ti amo, ma… no.

20/56: Il valzer del cazzeggio! Ascoltiamo in silenzio un team radio via l’altro, forse loro hanno qualcosa da dire…

21/56: Facciamo finta che stia succedendo qualcosa, percè anche il pubblico di Twitter latita: nel boschetto della fantasia del buon Vanzini c’è Vettel che spinge, Rosberg che, concentrato come il pomodoro in tubetto, cerca di mantenere le distanze, Raikkonen che fa un giro veloce. Ma non sono certa che sia successo davvero. E anche se fosse… che palle?

23/56: Jean Alesi: “Bellissima gara, siamo più eccitati che mai!”. E’ ormai chiaro che stia guardando la finale di Masterchef. Je suis Gené.

28/56: Metà gara e la classifica è uguale a quella del primo giro. Date un Pulitzer a Vanzini: sta facendo la cronaca praticamente da solo, senza eventi da commentare eppure non perde la motivazione e parla, parla, parla.

30/56: C’è fermento ai box. Rosberg ha un problema con l’anteriore destra, Vettel viene esortato a spingere il più possibile in vista della molto prossima sosta.


32/56: Momento di suspence! Chi occuperà il secondo posto dopo i due pit stop? Ma è solo un momento: Rosberg rientra secondo e Vettel slitta al terzo posto. Come prima, più di prima.

40/56: Vanzini tenta di farsi spedire in galera: “Saliamo in macchina col minorenne”. La telecronaca con Alesi deve averlo messo a durissima prova.

46/56: Raikkonen e l’insofferenza via radio: “Levatemi dalle palle ‘sti due!”. Si riferisce a Maldonado, che viene preso subito di mira e tacciato di incapacità, e ad Alonso… il che suscita molta ilarità e anche un po’ di depressione.

47/56: Nel frattempo Alesi risolleva il suo contributo con un colpo ben assestato ai danni del pilota venezuelano. “Vabè ma Maldonado… lasciamo perdere!”.

54/56: Dieci giri e non è successo nulla, manco un bloccaggio. Poi, la luce in fondo al tunnel: Verstappen si inchianta sul rettilineo. Cerca di ri-accendere la monoposto, ma nulla. Vanzini sbadiglia: “Ecco, il famoso rumore di ferraglia”. Alesi ipotizza che si tratti del cambio. Comunque entra la Safety Car! Non ci posso credere! “Che bel finale!” dice Alesi. Sì, Jean, alla fine ha vinto Stefano, anche se tifavo per Nicolò. Al box Ferrari sbucciano le gomme. Hamilton sclera via radio. Ci sono circa trenta secondi di delirio, poi…

55/56: …si apre un canceletto tipo scorciatoia di Need For Speed e la Toro Rosso viene ritirata – a fatica – dagli stessi tecnici. Vanzini è in vena di figure retoriche: “Le hanno fatto sbattere le corna”. Non vedo l’ora che questo scempio arrivi alla sua fine.

Fine. No ma… bello. Arrivano tutti in fila indiana come all’asilo, persino il pubblico fischia. Un degno finale di cotanta gara.

Non proseguo oltre. Guardo solo al futuro, al prossimo weekend, al Bahrain. Sempre che mio figlio non mi uccida prima, ma quella è un’altra storia!

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