GP Australia 2015 – La Cronaca

Formula One World ChampionshipVorrei specificare che mi sono svegliata alle 5.30 per vedere il Gran Premio, sia perché è il primo, sia perché è il debutto di Vettel in Ferrari e non potevo proprio esimermi.

L’aspettativa è altissima.

 In griglia non c’è praticamente nessuno.

Mentre sorseggio il mio cappuccino, faccio un pronostico al volo, basato sulla scorsa stagione: Raikkonen finisce 67esimo entro i primi dieci metri e qualcuno scassa la macchina alla prima curva, a caso. Ovviamente entrerà subito la Safety Car, per eccesso di zelo dopo le esitazioni tanto criticate durante la passata stagione.

0/58: Vabè. Che ve lo dico a fare? Kimi finisce in fondo, una Lotus pattina allegramente fuori dal cordolo ed entra immediatamente la Safety Car. Vabè.

5/58: Universitari allo sbaraglio! Nasr arriva in ritardo direttamente dalla discoteca e, senza alcool test, si mangia asfalto come fosse kebab.

8/58: Il mondo sta per finire, Marc Gené non ha ancora detto “graining”. In compenso parliamo di amenità tipo la causa legale di Van Der Garde. E nessuno si accorge che Raikkonen sale di una posizione (ma non se ne accorge nemmeno lui).

12/58: Mentre addento una brioche, stranamente non succede assolutamente nulla. Vanzini e Gené si lanciano nelle fan fiction bromance su Hamilton e Rosberg, poi tornano sulle “gomme prestazionali”, che quest’anno è già trending topic!

13/58: Da un momento all’altro mi aspetto un “Gara molto intelligente di Fernando” da Gené, visto che ancora non parla di graining, ma ricordiamoci che il povero Alonso sta ascoltando il team radio via Skype.

14/58: ATTENZIONE! Non ci posso credere! Un bloccaggio! Perez, come al solito, si immola allo spettacolo e fa un po’ di casino per attirare l’attenzione. Spacca un pezzo di macchina, ma the show must go on.

17/58: Far rientrare ora ai box il biondo Raikkonen può essere un’ottima strategia, sì! Bravo Team Ferrari! Ma la pistola per avvitare la posteriore sinistra si inchioda. Rimaniamo tutti fermi al box per sei, lunghissimi secondi di panico. Tutto qui?

24/58: Il nulla. E mi sono pure svegliata alle cinque.

25/58: Un attimo! Vettel sta facendo un paiolo tanto, a tutti quanti, senza neanche aver finito il pit stop! Subito dopo si fermano anche i due fotomodelli Mercedes, ma non gliene frega niente a nessuno.

28/58: Metà gara. Ricciardo, obiettivo preferito di tutte le scuderie di coda, diventa vittima di bullismo via radio e viene chiamato in mille modi diversi: Ricchiardo, Riccardo, Risciardo… Ma perché?

31/58: “E’ evidente che la Ferrari ha fatto un lavoro eccellente sulla power unit“. Solo su quella eh, non hanno toccato nient’altro. Del resto, l’anno scorso, funzionava tutto così bene…

32/58: Scusate, però! Ma perché ce l’hanno tutti con Ricciardo? E’ OTTAVO porcamerda!

34/58: Verstappen esce a fare un giro nei campi senza avvertire. Il papà, ai box, non la prende proprio benissimo. ‘Sti adolescenti.

36/58: La regia internazionale insegue Perez, sperando in qualche colpo di scena. Ma a quanto pare c’ha sonno pure lui. Ci prova anche Rosberg, a dare spettacolo, ma… il nulla.

37/58: La nuova grafica, comunque, sembra quella di un canale sulla finanza. Vedo NAS +27.516 e mi viene voglia di urlare “Vendi! Vendi!”. A caso.

41/58: Il mozzo difettoso colpisce ancora. Raikkonen cambia di nuovo le gomme, gli urlano “Bella lì, te ne puoi da anna’!”. Allora lui riparte, qualcuno dietro prende coscienza del danno e si sbraccia disperato. E’ subito tragedia. La monoposto esce dal pit stop e si ferma due metri dopo. Prevedo violenti cazziatoni in Ferrari, ai quali francamente assisterei volentieri, così, come diversivo. Comunque, la prendono tutti molto bene.

44/58: Ma, invece della strigliata al Cavallino, mi becco il solito Perez che rosica la posizione a Button. Quanto pathos.

47/58: In assenza di altri argomenti, parte la discussione sul fantaconsumo della benza. Perez ne abbiamo ancora?

48/58: Mi sento un po’ come alle elementari, durante il gioco della sedia. Comincio a domandarmi chi sarà l’unico poveraccio che non porterà a casa neanche un punto.

54/58: Indugiamo sulle Mercedes, senza averne motivo. Nico non sa se spingere o no, il suo ingegnere gli propone un enigma per scoprire la risposta. Sbadiglio.

56/58: Uno scarrafone australiano si schianta sulla on board di Rosberg. Che emozione. Nel frattempo il team McLaren esorta Button a partorire, urlando “Come on buddy, push, PUSH!”. Lo prendo come un presagio, improvvisamente mi passa il sonno.

58/58: “Al debutto è ottimo andare subito ai punti”. Sono rimasti in 11. Ponsci-ponsci-po-po-po. Hamilton trionfa senza aver nemmeno fatto la gara (o sì?), portando a 34 le sue vittorie in carriera. Rosberg, come al solito, sta dietro.

Ma Sebastian.
Sebastian!

Non pensavo l’avrei mai detto, ma… SEBASTIAN!
E sa anche dire “Forza Ferrari” in italiano! 

Hamilton scende e ringrazia la macchina. Manco avesse affrontato il mare Forza 9 feat. un terremoto di Magnitudo 45 con scoppio simultaneo di tutte e quattro le gomme, cambio ingolfato a ogni curva e malocchio vodoo del compagno di squadra. Nel retropalco, infatti, viene ignorato come un secchione alla festa della confraternita. Rosberg regala sorrisi e ammiccamenti a Vettel.

Inquietante.

Podio: Non ne usciamo, l’inno tedesco ce lo dobbiamo sucare sempre, per un motivo o per l’altro. Rosberg innaffia Vettel con la schiuma bianca dello spumante, ridendo come una liceale. Comincio a pensare che ci stia provando. O che stia cercando di fare ingelosire Hamilton.

Glisso su Arnold Schwarzenegger e sul suo indecente anello con il teschio di Terminator, su cui persino Giacomo ha da ridire.

Ma non posso ignorare Lewis che cerca rissa, dicendogli che si aspettava che Terminator fosse più alto. Questo va riportato come memoria ai posteri, soprattutto perché Hamilton è rimasto illeso.

Vettel parla in italiano, di nuovo. O se non altro ci prova. Apprezzabile.

Button rimane senza sedia sotto il culo.

Sará l’etá.

Al prossimo GP!

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