5 Cose Che Avrei Voluto Sapere Sulla Maternità

Certo, a volte mi chiedo chi me l’abbia fatto fare. Soprattutto quelle mattine in cui mi sveglio (…come se dormissi) e allo specchio vedo una me che non riconosco. Se pensate che avere due tette enormi e marmoree sia una bella cosa, non avete mai allattato. Rivoglio indietro la mia terza piena, chiunque voglia prendersi le due taglie in più che mi porto appresso, venga pure a ritirarle orario pasti.

Comunque questi mesi sono stati formativi. Ho capito una serie di cose che vorrei comunicare senza mezzi termini alle puerpere.

1. Le neomamme sono sadiche.
Non ho ben capito che cosa ci provino nel terrorizzare le gestanti con racconti tragici e scoraggianti dei loro parti. Comunque, difficilmente diranno la semplice verità: il parto, di per sé, è fattibilissimo. Altrimenti saremmo tutte morte. E le poche sopravvissute, avrebbero un figlio solo. E’ chiaro che eventuali difficoltà aggiuntive creino uno stato d’ansia complicato da gestire, ma siamo fatte apposta per partorire. Non è che “Domani vorrei farne un altro perché è stato troppo divertente“, ma nemmeno dipingere uno scenario apocalittico mi pare corretto. E ve lo dice una che ha partorito senza epidurale.

2. Lo stress del parto è nulla in confronto a quello dell’allattamento.
Neomamma! Non cadere vittima dell’esercito di integraliste con neonati agganciati a doppia mandata ai capezzoli! Io sono ben felice di allattare, ma ho dovuto dar fondo a tutto il mio coraggio, alla mia tenacia e chiedere pure della pazienza in prestito, perché la mia non bastava. Un momento meraviglioso di condivisione e affetto con il vostro tenerissimo cucciolo? Col cazzo. E’ un momento interminabile di noia profonda e astio per la vita, coronato dagli strattoni di un poppante intento a martoriare la tua tetta. Hai tutto il diritto di non voler affrontare questa tragedia. Poi ci si abitua? Senz’altro, io ormai riesco anche ad addormentarmi, mentre allatto. Ma sappi che hai delle alternative. E sono validissime.

3. Chiunque ti ignorerà senza ritegno alcuno.
Tranne tua madre (forse), il resto del mondo non solo si dimenticherà della tua esistenza, ma ti sbatterà in faccia una camionata di gelida cattiveria alla prima occasione. Sarai sempre troppo trascurata, gonfia, grassa, stanca, infelice, depressa, “… ma poi passa, tranquilla!”. Pensavi forse di replicare con un poco politico “Fatti i cazzi tuoi”? Ti guarderanno tutti con l’occhio da triglia, annuendo con condiscendenza. In realtà stanno palesemente pensando al prossimo versetto da fare al neonato.

4. Tutti genitori col bimbo degli altri.
Ma tutti, eh. Anche l’amica single incallita che rifugge l’idea di moltiplicarsi e si scola sei bottiglie di vodka ogni sabato sera. Anche la cuginetta di quattro anni. Vostro figlio avrà sempre freddo, fame, sonno, voglia di coccole, voglia di indipendenza, non saprà ancora risolvere le equazioni di terzo grado (il mio, alla sua età…). Litigare è inutile. Ricambiate il favore: guardateli con occhio da triglia, annuendo con condiscendenza, mentre pensate al prossimo versetto da fare al neonato.

5. Il dramma del pediatra
Questo vile, insulso, inetto essere umano che si è mitragliato dieci anni di università e altrettanti di tirocinio per raggiungere uno squallido studio medico con la scrivania dell’IKEA. Perché mai dovrebbe saperne più di voi, che siete La Madre? Breaking News: non solo ne sa più di voi, ma ne sa più di vostra madre, suocera, fratello, sorella, amico, zio, nonno, vicino di casa… magari, questo, fatelo notare, neh?

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