Altolà all’Ormone!

Futuro Papà,
sei vessato dalle continue rotture di coglioni? La tua dolce metà non è più tanto dolce da quando aspetta un bambino? Ti senti oppresso dal peso delle responsabilità di pater familias e vorresti fuggire lontano?

Vaffanculo! Tranquillo, non sei solo! Tu – come tutti gli uomini – sei perfettamente in grado di gestire sette aziende multimilionarie contemporaneamente, ma poi ti perdi in un bicchier d’acqua quando si tratta di gestire una donna. Vaghi per il corridoio, a cervello fermo, osservando le cornici dei quadri. Non capisci perchè la gestante che gira per casa sia così inacidita, ma poi – colpo di genio – trovi una solida e affidabile spiegazione scientifica:

“Saranno gli ormoni…”

ormóne s. m. [dall’ingl. hormone (introdotto nel 1905 dal fisiologo ingl. E. H. Sterling), e questo dal gr. ὁρμῶν, part. pres. di ὁρμάω «eccitare»] – entità satanica che possiede le donne almeno una volta al mese / retaggio del peccato originale davanti al quale ogni uomo è disarmato e impotente / piaga incurabile che rende le donne irritabili senza alcun motivo, ai danni del povero maschio atterrito e frustato da ingiustificate male parole.

Ribellati all’ormone della tua donna gravida in sei semplici mosse! Finalmente potrai capire lo stato imbarazzante (sarà un caso che in alcune lingue si definiscano proprio così, le donne incinte?) in cui versa l’altra metà della tua mela e prevenire i suoi attacchi d’ira. Non è meraviglioso?

1. Innanzitutto puoi cominciare a raccogliere i tuoi stracazzo di calzini e a passare l’aspirapolvere. E piantala di far finta di niente, tu non sei stupido e lei nemmeno, piega quella schiena e dalle una mano a tenere in ordine la casa. In alternativa, regalale un raggiungioggetti.

2. In generale evita tutti i comportamenti di un seienne: non irrompere nella stanza chiedendo sguaiatamente dove ha messo qualcosa e se ti può aiutare a cercarlo, non piagnucolare che hai fame, non tirar fuori tutti i giocattoli per poi lasciarli in giro e non battere oggetti sul tavolo della cucina per il solo gusto di attirare l’attenzione. Ti assicuro che ti manderà a fare in culo, perchè rischiare?

3. Immagina: sei lì che bevi serenamente un caffè e ti arriva un cartone nel fegato, a caso. Bello, no? Ripeti per almeno una ventina di volte al giorno, per almeno sei mesi, con organi a tua scelta. Ed eccoti! Benvenuto nel suo mondo di calcetti e pugnetti che a te piace tanto sentire con la manina spalancata sulla panza.

4. Accetta il fatto che momentaneamente lei cammina come un tirannosauro con la lordosi, sembra aver inghiottito un panettone intero senza masticarlo e dorme con terrificanti pigiamoni antisesso. Tu fai così da sempre, ma non mi sembra che per lei sia mai stato un problema. Sono certa che per nove mesi sopravviverai a questo scempio.

5. Nel caso non fosse chiaro, ha più o meno tutti gli organi interni collassati dalle attività ginniche del pargolo. Se devi cucinare, magari non adoperarti in specialità come la parmigiana con le vongole all’aglio, sii clemente con il suo stomaco. Ragiona, porca merda.

6. Se vuoi portarla a fare serata, va bene, ma assicurati di montarti un trolley – pieno – al posto della fibbia della cintura. Così, quando lei alle 21.07 ti dirà che è stanca e vuole tornare a casa, eviterai di guardarla con gli occhi compassionevoli e iracondi di chi sta etichettando un comportamento prevedibile come fosse inadeguato.

Visto com’è facile?
Altolà all’Ormone!

 

 

Comments

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