Saturday Morning Fever

[Musica] Sabato mattina, mi stiracchio sotto il piumone. La mia fanciullesca metà socchiude le palpebre, beata, e si stropiccia gli occhiucci. Oh, com’è bello con la faccia tutta ammaccata dal cuscino! Scosto un po’ la tenda, guardo al giorno che mi sorride.

hamptonZ

Tesoro…”
Merda Sì, amor mio?”
Mi sa che ho la febbre”

Ma no! Ma davvero?! Ma che spiacevole coincidenza! Proprio oggi che, a quanto pare, stanno girando un horror in cortile e che dovremmo fare due bilioni di commissioni noiosissime, iniziando dall’aprire la porta alla donna delle pulizie a un orario proibitivo?! Che disdetta!

Mi guarda, colpevole, come se stesse per esalare l’ultimo respiro. Allunga istrionicamente una mano verso di me, sembra un lebbroso abbandonato alla porta del Lazzaretto.

“Oh, il mal di gola! La pestilenza! La carestia! La morte! Avvicinati, queste potrebbero essere le mie ultime parole…”

Lo chiudo al buio.

La donna delle pulizie trova molto complicato salire su un treno e scendere alla fermata segnalata nei miei bisettimanali SMS in cui le ricordo il nome giusto. Ha generalmente poco a che fare con il suo cervello, figuriamoci con l’arrivare senza intoppi negli Hamptons. E’ in ritardo di un’ora e mezza.
Quando arriva, abbandono l’appartamento prima di cedere alla tragica tentazione di controllare sui presenti l’affilatura del coltello di ceramica e mi reco (come se questo migliorasse la situazione) in Posta.

Non è che nell’ufficio degli Hamptons ci sia meno casino che nella filiale di Piazza Del Duomo. C’è meno gente, ma è comunque una transumanza rumorosa di vecchi pignoli che parlano in milanese strettissimo e di donne inacidite, probabilmente perchè gli uomini di casa fingono improbabili malanni pur di esimersi dall’infausto compito di andare a pagare le bollette.

True story.

Dopo aver assistito a incresciosi quanto imbarazzanti episodi come la vomitata stile Visitors di un infante nella carrozzina, la piazzata di una nonnetta convintissima che ci fosse un pacco natalizio da ritirare e un degno erede di Spiderman che inciampa nel suo stesso ombrello e cade addosso allo stand con i moduli postali travolgendo il cane, finalmente è il mio turno.

“Salve, devo pagare una bolletta e avrei una raccomandata da ritirare…”
“Lei forse si chiama Giacomo?”
E lei forse è completamente deficiente? No, ovviamente. Quella sotto è la delega”
“Ah, mi scusi. Beh, signorina, deve portarmi anche il documento di Giacomo, la delega non basta. Per fortuna che il paese è piccolo…”

Lo osservo con gli occhi cisposi, abbastanza a lungo da farlo desistere. Mi sa che sono minacciosissima, perchè sono uscita senza lavarmi la faccia. I denti, però, li ho lavati di sicuro. Ne porto i segni. Ho fatto una pozzetta di dentifricio per terra, ci sono scivolata sopra mentre cercavo di grattarmi la pianta del piede e ho picchiato il gomito sullo stipite del box doccia.

“LEI E’ LA MOGLIE?”
Che cazzo ti urli?! No, la fidanzata”
“Ma vivete insieme?”
“Sì, ma scusi, ma che differenza fa?”
“Se vivete insieme devo scrivere COMPAGNA, altrimenti devo barrare la casella ALTRO

Non vorrei sembrare pedante, ma vengo colta dall’indomabile voglia di fargli scrivere ALTRO. “Ciao mia adorata Altro! Com’è andata oggi al lavoro?” oppure “Ciao mamma, ti presento la mia Altro!”. Al maschile verrebbe ancora meglio: “Stasera non posso, sono fuori a cena con l’Altro”.

Bellissimo.
Peccato che viviamo insieme, quindi il tizio mette una croce sull’insipida casella dei PACS e io me ne vado con la raccomandata e un rene in meno, barattato per qualche stupido metro cubo di metano.

Per tirarmi su di morale entro in panetteria, mi ficco un Pan Meino in bocca e mi dirigo verso la Farmacia (metti che Giacometto sia davvero malato), dove incappo nella stessa transumanza delle Poste, che nel frattempo ha cambiato pascolo.

In fondo, il bambino vomitoso avrà bisogno di un Plasil. Il vecchietto pignolo pare avere una strana forma di acromatometatarsalgia probabilmente derivata dal ceppo del colera e, dopo un’attenta auto-diagnosi, compra una confezione di Zigulì. Spiderman sta ultimando l’acquisto di un integratore non meglio definito.

Lo giuro, sono dietro la riga gialla della privacy, ma devono aver chiesto consulenza a un nano di Warhammer per calcolare la distanza appropriata.
Finalmente è il mio turno!

“Salve, mi da una confezione di Moment Act e una di Fluimucil?”
Influenza, eh?”
“…”
“…”
“Senta, ora che ci penso, mi darebbe anche un tubetto di Cicatrene? Potrebbe essere utile al mio adorabile Altro, durante le prossime due ore”

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